Hey, Queen of the Roadies,

So, this is it. The very first QUEEN OF THE ROAD monthly contest! For the rules, check out the contest page of my website. You have to enter on that page, as well.

This month's contest topic: What would YOU do if you could take a year off?

The prize? A signed galley of QUEEN OF THE ROAD, of course. (That, or a signed actual book, when it comes out, will always be the monthly prize.) This month's extra special additional prize is.... a poopin' moose key chain, all the way from Ketchikan, Alaska! (This was my absolute favorite bit of kitch from our entire the trip.)

Isn't it... cute? Just squeeze and voila! (Anyone who knows me could have figured out the first prize would involve poop. I'm very predictable that way.)

Good luck to all. I very much look forward to reading your entries.

Salutations Dearest Subjects!

For the second QUEEN OF THE ROAD monthly contest, as always, please check out the contest page of my website. You have to enter on that page, as well.

This month's contest topic: Travel stories from hell! (Get going now, you have until March 31st to enter.)

Last month's contest winners (topic: What would YOU do if you could take a year off?) will be announced on this blog (as well as their winning entries) over the next couple of weeks. Yes, it looks like there will be more than one winner. I'm simply having too much trouble choosing between a few really excellent entries.

This month's prize? A signed galley of QUEEN OF THE ROAD, of course. (That, or a signed actual book, when it comes out, will always be the monthly prize.) This month's extra special additional prize is.... a poopin' moose key chain, all the way from Ketchikan, Alaska! (Again, my favorite bit of kitch from our entire the trip.)

Just squeeze and voila! And, yes. It's the same extra special prize as the first contest, but... well. What else could I possibly give out for contest number two?

Good luck to all. I very much look forward to reading your entries.

My Dear Subjects:

After sifting through your marvelous entries, We have chosen the winners of a galley of QUEEN OF THE ROAD and... well, that moose poop thingy. If you didn't win this time (or if you didn't enter, but how could that be?) please do head over to the contest page of Our website. This month's topic, "Travel Stories From Hell!" You have until March 31st to enter.

We shall endeavor to sprinkle the winning entries for February's contest on the blog throughout the rest of the month. We realize this makes for the occasional easy blogging, but really, what do you want from Us? Besides, these entries were quite amusing to Your Sovereign and should be shared. The winners were notified today.

Herewith, a winner from Lydia (you need to check out her blog. This woman, as you can see, is a riot. And, if you need an added bonus, you'll never have to watch American Idol, again.):

If I could take a year off, I would spend about four days just fadoodling around with fabric and yarn. After this delightful dawdling, I would fling it all off me, open my laptop, and fall into a write all night and sleep all day pattern. This pattern would continue for three weeks. I would eat smoothies -- everything I consumed from coffee to legumes would have to go into the smoothies, which I would sip from mason jars next to my laptop. I would not cook, and I would not touch a dish. I would hose out my blender every few days.

I would take three days off of taking a year off, to visit my children at the Unicorn and Rainbow Fantasyland Boarding School, where I must have sent them to be tended by fairies and centaurs, in order to take off my year. I would wave to my husband where I had duct taped him to the ceiling in order to take my year off.

This brings us to the end of month one. At the end of month one I would have completed about fifty thousand words of my novel. I would be ready to begin obsessively exercising.

For three more months, I would live at the gym. I would take cheesecake out of the nutritional smoothies and add kale or something virtuous like that. I would become ripped. I would regain the dimensions I possessed at age 21. Then I would go to the Mediterranean for six months of solid knitting and sewing and swimming. I would make little jackets and skirts. I would devise new hat patterns. I would pack trunks with my creations.

Then I would realize that I only had three more months of my year off. I would rush home and get to work on my novel. I would retreat to a cabin in the woods and get confused and put sticks in my hair. I would experience fugue states. I would talk to beetles. And on the last day of my off year, I would drag myself out of the woods -- thin, fit, tanned, and possessed of the novel I was always meant to write.

And then my teeth would probably fall out for extended lack of use.

In honor of April Fools' Day, I thought I would do something a little different for this month's contest. Here's the topic: A Royal Expose. Write about the "truth" behind Your Sovereign, Sir Tim, Our Bus, The Pets or really, whatever strikes your fancy - anything at all in the QUEEN OF THE ROAD universe will do. Be sure to enter via the contest page of the website. Again, basically a 250 word parody/fantasy/made-up story (remember this is in commemoration of April 1) about anything that has to do with QUEEN OF THE ROAD. For ideas, you can certainly root around the website (especially the home page - click on the pictures for details of each, and you should get a pretty good feel for the players and the trip). But, c'mon: Two shrinks on a bus for a year? It's writing itself, people! The prize, of course, is a signed (galley, or actual - depending on when they're available) copy of QUEEN OF THE ROAD and... I'm stickin' with the moose poop, people. It seems to have caught on.

To whet your appetites, here is another winning entry from the very first month's contest (topic: If I could take a year off) this one from Patti Tucker (she's a real funny broad - I'm a regular reader of her blog):

if i could take a year off, which by the by i just have, and closed a business to boot so i could take said year off (a risk that remains to be seen as a smart move), i would finish my book (done), and find an agent (working on). i would read and write and cook. i would mourn by pooch (not planned but unavoidable) and cry till dry. i would eat frito pie and velvetta cheese without nary a guilty thought. i would join a book club so we could talk of our lives instead. i would learn to live a new way. the way that has left many a relative shaking their head.

I loved a lot about this, particularly the eating part, the mourning part (I haven't even been able to blog about that, yet... ), and particularly the learning to live a new way. That's what the "bus thing" taught us, without our even hoping for it, planning for it, or even knowing it - until our return.

Here's the final February Winner of a galley copy and a poopin' moose - Polly Kahl. That month's topic was, What Would YOU Do If You Could Take A Year Off.

My husband and I fantasize about taking a family trip similar to yours. We'd lease a huge camper and take the kids and travel the country for a year. The camper would be large enough to provide some areas for privacy, while also having ample room for family activities such as playing board games and art projects. Ken dreams of us taking the kids to the Grand Canyon the way his parents took their kids, back in the 60s, in their old station wagon with the fake wood panels on the sides. I dream of a year of conversations without the interruptions of video games, land lines and television (the laptop's comin' with me.) The boys dream of an endless selection of amusement parks, finding new hills to climb, beaches for dune buggying, and natural wonders such as hot springs, caves and volcanoes. We all dream of seeing the varied terrains and interesting kinds of people who cover this vast country. Our children are both nearing their teen years and quality time with them, while we can still enjoy it, becomes more precious every day. It would help if we found a magic pill for our gender-confused male kitty Sophie's car sickness. A cozy lap cat would be the perfect accompaniment to long highway cruises while watching the changing landscapes go by.

As you can tell, Polly is a wonderful writer and a darn nice gal, to boot! You can see (additionally) for yourself on her website.

And, don't forget to enter for your chance to win! For this months' topic, see the post below.

We had two winners of galleys and moose poop for March: Jessie Bowdoin and Dennis Myers. I'll post Jessie's entry in the next week, but herewith, Dennis' (The topic was "Travel Stories from HELL."):

Contest Entry: The First and Last Trip From Hell

Early in my marriage with the family (three daughters and a perfectionist wife) we relocated to So Cal (that's Southern California for those who have not watched TV) and life was just too good at the time. I set out to fix that!

I was compelled to screw with it by talking my wife into a camping trip. Why? Just seemed like a good thing at the time. I sold it to a reluctant spouse who thought roughing it on the road was running out of ice in her drink sitting by the pool.

Had we ever camped as a family? Of course not! No experience and having never driven an RV were just lame excuses. It was one of the times I forced the issue and actually won! It was a bad omen that I should have recognized. I never won arguments! Probably some sort of reverse psychology my wife employed to teach me a lesson (again).

So off we went heading in a Northernly direction with the goal of seeing as much of California as we could in two weeks.

The first campground was a State Park. My wife was concerned about security of our belongings. "People that camp are honest folks," I replied. That was before a camper ran off with some of our cooking utensils. Strike one, but always a good conversation starter for the next campground.

The first night was painful (I refer back to my wife's definition of "roughing it"). The girls did sleep soundly, but I had no peace at all. Speaking of peace, I had also declared that I was going to grow a beard for the trip, whereupon my darling said I would get no "piece" if I grew a beard or mustache. She was true to her word. I refused to shave, so you had the classic "Russian standoff." I will leave it to the reader to guess who ultimately won the standoff.

Second night, second State Park. My wife marched the girls off for showers before bed. (There were no such things at the first camp ground.) I hear screaming and yelling that sounded like a mass murder was occurring in the shower room, but it was worse! My wife came marching back for dry pajamas for the girls because one of them accidentally knocked the first set of pj's into the watery shower stall. Again no peace or piece.

The third and fourth day were rather uneventful compared to the first two nights. Just some miserable weather, near misses on the highway, and a needed assortment of wrong turns. Now I was not having fun either. I also learned that being in a confined space filled with four unhappy females was not a good thing.

In one last and futile attempt to have fun, I found a swimming hole in a camp near the Northern California mountains. I sold the girls on how this was the way to go swimming--just like I did as a kid. Lot's more fun than those antiseptic heated swimming pools. I rushed for the water and dove in head first. Even with a beard there was no way to shelter the body from the numbing cold of that mountain water. I skipped out of that water much like a flat stone you would skip across the surface of that pool of tranquility.

Actually I had experienced that sensation once before. Suffering from a hangover on a spring break from college I dove into Lake Huron in Northern Michigan with the same results. The good news there was that my hangover cleared up real fast!

Needless to say after the swimming hole farce, I declared we were returning home as fast as that RV could take us. My audience showed agreement with total silence that lasted for the entire return trip.

So, two weeks shrank to one week, I had no peace or piece, and never again attempted to do a camping trip with the family. You know, as things go, running out of ice at the pool and calling for room service is not all bad. I got some peace and some pieces. I chalked it up as one of my many learning experiences.

The irony of this is that Dennis is the new editor of Bus Conversions magazine. Did his family come around to the "joys" of camping? Or, are his wheels forever clipped? Perhaps Dennis will enlighten us...

(Quick warning: Dennis is a gourmet cook, but plans to use his moose poop to fool guests in various mousses. I'd also love to hear about THAT, Dennis.)

And, if you'd like to try your hand at the contest to win a galley of QUEEN OF THE ROAD (sigh, and the ever-more-popular moose poop) the topic this month is in honor of April Fools' Day. You still have until the end of the month to enter.

So, the fabulous Polly Kahl has goaded the equally fabulous Robin Altman (aka Dr. Shoes) and (fabulousness not to be declared, that would be rude) royal-with-200-shoes me into having a shoe-off on our blogs. Although Polly cannot wear stylish shoes anymore due to her back problems, she nonetheless graciously got us started off on her blog. I think she gets extra points for creativity with the gold swirls, don't you? However, I don't want to be too generous here, and fortunately for them both, they can do psychotherapy (Polly's an M.A. and Robin a kiddie shrink) on one another, as I plan to win this thing! So check Polly's blog and Robin's blog and let us know whatcha think!

Now, for the this month's contest (and since I'm being lazy, you can too!): For a signed copy of QUEEN OF THE ROAD (and the moose poop thingy), simply comment on any of my blog posts during the entire month that relate to the shoe-off. If you mention the shoe-off on your blog, drop me an email (doreen at doreenorion.com) to let me know and I'll also enter you. Have a blog and a comment? You get two chances to win! (For those of you without blogs who think this is unfair - duh... this is a monarchy.) On May 31st, I shall randomly pick one commenter as the winner. (April's winner to be announced shortly. Actually, I have no idea if she's short.)

Let the shoe-off begin! (And, if any of you think, after seeing our offerings, that you can compete, by all means... BRING IT ON!)

And, oh yeah, yeah, YEAH: Check out Chris Eldin's blog May 3-9 for Author's Week,
"a week of contests, prizes, fun! And don't forget, hobnobbing with famous authors!"
(I'll be one of the, ahem, "famous authors" for her Author's Week at the end of June.)

So, since Polly posted 5 shoes, I figured I would, too (but, realize, as my subtitle says, I have 40 more to offer up) starting with:

Since I wrote about this pretty Prada pair on Polly's blog, I thought I should post the actual picture. Note the silver kitten heel. These were purchased on Ebay, some years ago for something like $20.

Shoes deux: this fine suede pair of Via Spigas. I bought these years ago as well, don't remember where and really don't care. Aren't they sweet?

Richard Tyler actually does my favorite pairs (and I have a few). These are navy and purchased on Ebay for a song.

I thought I would include some (near) flats: Donald Pilner. Very comfortable (and affordable, when purchased at one's local used clothing shop).

Last but not least: My ringer. My ace in the hole. Read 'em and weep, Robin. These beauties were purchased in Italy 20 years ago. Mercifully, I don't remember how much they cost. But, I got 3 other pairs bought on the same trip - so ante up!

The April contest to win a galley copy of QUEEN OF THE ROAD (and moose poop) came out on April 1st, so I figured the theme should be A Royal Expose, in honor of April Fools' Day.You were charged to write about the "truth" behind Your Sovereign, Sir Tim, Our Bus, The Pets or really, whatever struck your fancy - anything at all in the QUEEN OF THE ROAD universe.

The theme seems to have been a stumper, but a ringer of sorts, WriterKat, came through. (Ringer because she's a writer with a fabulous writing blog to boot. She also works in the mental health field, but we won't hold that against her.)

Herewith, WriterKat's winning entry:

It wasn't what Judge Judy had in mind when she sentenced Dr. Queen and Dr. Queen to house arrest for the heinous unspeakable crime (think moose poop for cash ). But who is to say a bus is not a house. Chains strapped to their legs, the Drs. Queen peeled away from the courthouse ready for a new beginning. For sure they were kicked out of the Alaskan wild, but there's lots more moose..er.. adventures to be found on the open road than just that winter wonderland.

It's not to say being strapped down is all that fun, but bungie-jumping the Grand Canyon (they had to scale back up the cliffs since the chains had no bunge) wasn t exactly like the pain of digging holes in a field. (Don't go there: reminder, moose poop for cash). Certainly, it was more breathtaking than passing meds at the shrink joint (ignore the rumors, their meds are made from straight meds).

Halfway across Boonsville, they were at a loss for their next cash-crop. Fortunately, Dr. Mr. Queen excelled as the chain-footed driver, and Dr. Mrs. Queen chained herself to the computer, leaving us a year of memories in the Queenly novel, We Did It: A hypothetical Account of the Moose Poop Cash-Crop , [Editor's note: Change title ASAP to Queen of the Road: A True Tale of 47 States & NOT ALASKA, 22,000 Miles , 200 Shoes, 2 Cats, 1 Poodle, NO MOOSE, a husband and a House under Arrest that looks like a Bus. ]

Obvious why she won, no? (Although I'm not sure Tim will be pleased being called, "Dr. Queen." When my publisher first suggested the title, QUEEN OF THE ROAD, his only comment was, "People better not think that refers to me.")

And, please do head over to Robin Altman's (Kiddie Shrink extraordinaire - actually, I have no idea if she's a good shrink, but she's a hell of a funny broad) blog to see her response in our Shoe Off. I'd say she's thrown down the gauntlet with "Shoes, the Musical."

Now, I must retreat to the Royal dungeon to seek out my very best pairs of beauties, guarded all these years by the Imperial Dragon (hope he's not too pissed off).

Living in Boulder, you kind of have to believe in Karma. It's in our city charter. And, since I refuse to do yoga - also in the charter (what's the point in putting that much effort into doing something just to think about nothing, when I'm already so adept at thinking about nothing without making any effort at all? I mean, if my mind were any clearer, I'd be dead.) I sort of have to go along with the Karma thing: Boulder's not likely to let that slide, too. (At the farmer’s market, Tim swears he once saw the result of what occurs when Boulder’s penchant for political correctness collides with its extremist attitude toward health: eggs labeled “vegetarian fed, cage free and voluntary.”)

When Tim and I were in wintering in "lovely" Modesto late last year, Karma intervened (no, not when we got stuck in the mud. What I'm talking about was a good thing that happened. Geez.) Since I thought we'd only be gone twelve weeks (yes, wishful thinking on my part) and I really and truly (really and truly) drink gallons of Celestial Seasonings various delectible flavors of Green Teas at home, I thought I'd brought enough with me. Not so much for five months away. Since we don't live far from their store in Boulder, I usually go there about twice a year (roughly equivalent to how often I'd leave the house) to buy the teas in bulk. When I ran out of tea in Modesto, I went on the Celestial Seasonings website for the first time and discovered... they have a book club! In partnership with my publisher! Well... what else could I do but ask if they would consider a local author. The rest is queenly history.

But, Celestial Seasonings has done so much more than simply select QUEEN OF THE ROAD for its Adventure At Every Turn Book Club, which would certainly have been wonderful in and of itself. However, Celestial is doing some incredibly additional things for this local author of theirs:

Wednesday, July 2nd, Celestial Seasonings is having me over in the a.m. (and you know how I must feel about them to get up so early) to discuss and sign copies of QUEEN OF THE ROAD for their employees. (Obviously, this is a company that treats its employees well.) Then, between 2-:3:30 pm, I'll be in their ultra-fabulous gift shop in Boulder (it really is. I love going there, not just for the wonderful teas and smells, but the creams, lotions, apparel, treats and books - and I don't even mean mine - gifts, etc) to sign copies of QUEEN OF THE ROAD for customers. Sir Tim shall park the Bus (With a Will of Its Own) in Celestial's parking lot to give tours of the Royal Rig to anyone who would like one. (I think next to actually driving it, that's his favorite thing in the world to do.)

But, wait! There's more: Since every chapter of QUEEN OF THE ROAD begins with an original martini recipe commemorating one the many disasters on our trip, Celestial Seasonings, in its infinite wisdom, asked me to come up with a tea-tini recipe which they are promoting on their website and through their book clubs! I had a lot of fun concocting it - what I remember of the process, at least (peach schnapps was involved). Furthermore, forthwith and foresure, Celestial Seasonings has also launched a contest for anyone to develop his or her own QUEEN OF THE ROAD iced-tea drink recipe for fabulous prizes. (Grand prize is a $500 American Express gift card, a signed copy of QUEEN OF THE ROAD and a $100 gift basket straight from the Celestial Seasonings shop!) I wonder if I can enter? But more importantly, can I knight an entire company? I'll have to do some research on that and get back to you.

Wait a minute. I'm Queen of the Road. I can do whatever the heck I please.

Celestial Seasonings, I dub thee... Sir Celestial! You have the eternal and undying thanks of this Sovereign. (Cheers and thanks to my royal publisher, House of Random, as well!)

Why am I giving away copies of David Sedaris' When You Are Engulfed By Flames? Because I was so tickled that Amazon linked my book with his, that's why!

I'm also giving them away (one each, to five people picked at random who leave a comment on this blog post letting me know you've posted this YouTube QUEEN OF THE ROAD video on your blog - you have exactly one week) to celebrate being roasted on Chris Eldin's blog, Book Roast! Since Chris is allowing me to give away a signed copy of QUEEN OF THE ROAD to the winner of her contest, I thought I wouldn't do the same.

Here's the video:

Here's it's URL on YouTube where you can get the embedded code to post on your blog: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMC8ShWoaZs