« My Double Ds | Main | A Major Benefit of Being an Author »

February Contest Winners

My Dear Subjects:

After sifting through your marvelous entries, We have chosen the winners of a galley of QUEEN OF THE ROAD and... well, that moose poop thingy. If you didn't win this time (or if you didn't enter, but how could that be?) please do head over to the contest page of Our website. This month's topic, "Travel Stories From Hell!" You have until March 31st to enter.

We shall endeavor to sprinkle the winning entries for February's contest on the blog throughout the rest of the month. We realize this makes for the occasional easy blogging, but really, what do you want from Us? Besides, these entries were quite amusing to Your Sovereign and should be shared. The winners were notified today.

Herewith, a winner from Lydia (you need to check out her blog. This woman, as you can see, is a riot. And, if you need an added bonus, you'll never have to watch American Idol, again.):

If I could take a year off, I would spend about four days just fadoodling around with fabric and yarn. After this delightful dawdling, I would fling it all off me, open my laptop, and fall into a write all night and sleep all day pattern. This pattern would continue for three weeks. I would eat smoothies -- everything I consumed from coffee to legumes would have to go into the smoothies, which I would sip from mason jars next to my laptop. I would not cook, and I would not touch a dish. I would hose out my blender every few days.

I would take three days off of taking a year off, to visit my children at the Unicorn and Rainbow Fantasyland Boarding School, where I must have sent them to be tended by fairies and centaurs, in order to take off my year. I would wave to my husband where I had duct taped him to the ceiling in order to take my year off.

This brings us to the end of month one. At the end of month one I would have completed about fifty thousand words of my novel. I would be ready to begin obsessively exercising.

For three more months, I would live at the gym. I would take cheesecake out of the nutritional smoothies and add kale or something virtuous like that. I would become ripped. I would regain the dimensions I possessed at age 21. Then I would go to the Mediterranean for six months of solid knitting and sewing and swimming. I would make little jackets and skirts. I would devise new hat patterns. I would pack trunks with my creations.

Then I would realize that I only had three more months of my year off. I would rush home and get to work on my novel. I would retreat to a cabin in the woods and get confused and put sticks in my hair. I would experience fugue states. I would talk to beetles. And on the last day of my off year, I would drag myself out of the woods -- thin, fit, tanned, and possessed of the novel I was always meant to write.

And then my teeth would probably fall out for extended lack of use.

Comments (4)


Thanks for encouraging my fantasies. Husband is wondering if he will look good in duct tape. HA.

Shave him first and you'll be OK.

I like the write all night, sleep all day - that would work for me. The cabin in the woods with lots of sticks...worked for Thoreau.

Mazel Tov to Lydia!

I can't wait to read the essays, I bet they are fabulous.

As for you, my dear, you are hilarious. Question, would you brush your hair at all? I think dreadlocks topped off with a platinum tiara might be a flawless addition.

Enter email address below to subscribe/unsubscribe to comments on this post without having to post a comment. Your email will NOT BE PUBLISHED. It will be used only to notify you of replies.

Subscribe to Comments
Unsubscribe from Comments


About Me
About My Book
Contact Me

Friend me on Facebook

AddThis Social Bookmark Button

 Subscribe in a reader


This page contains a single entry from the blog posted on March 13, 2008 2:32 PM.

The previous post in this blog was My Double Ds.

The next post in this blog is A Major Benefit of Being an Author.

Many more can be found on the main index page or by looking through the archives.

Powered by
Movable Type 3.35