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Making a Diagnosis Ain't Easy When You Gotta Pee

Some really strange stuff can happen when you're on a book tour.

Although I don't remember which talk show it was (probably not Oprah, I think I'd remember that - and be reminding you and myself of it constantly) like many of them, more than one show a day is filmed to be aired later. The show I was to be interviewed on was the last taping of the day, and I got to the green room just after the one before ended. The only person left was a woman who had been a guest on the previous show. I was too nervous and distracted to make conversation with her - I didn't even ask what her topic was. All I wanted to do was run into the adjoining bathroom to empty my pea-bladder one more time, and check my hair and makeup. She said she had to use the bathroom too, but took so long getting her stuff together, I really couldn't wait anymore (my taping time was imminent and well, you know), so I said, "I'll just be a second," and slipped in.

As soon as I locked myself in the bathroom, I heard the woman shout, "Bitch! C*nt! Whore!" Only, she wasn't usin' no asterisk, if you get my drift.

"WTF!" I thought (although I wasn't usin' no abbreviations, neither), "That woman's insane! She's going to kill me! I bet her show was on women axe murderers! Wait'll I get my hands on that damn publicist!" I know you're in awe of what a brilliant psychiatrist I am to possess such amazing deductive reasoning skills, but let me assure you, those kinds of snap assessments employing sound clinical judgement are simply all in a day's work.

I heard her curse some more and steeled myself. I had to get out of that green room so I could get on the show. Was I so intent on promoting my book that it was actually worth risking certain death (or, at the very least, a vast array of new prosthetic devices)?

What do you want from me?

I grabbed the only thing that wasn't nailed down (the metal toilet paper roll - clinical experience is one thing, but there's really no substitute for a sturdy, blunt object), opened the door, peeked out and quickly assessed the scene.

The woman was sitting calmly, albeit red-faced, in a chair. Using those same patented, finely honed assessment skills, I quickly determined she probably wasn't going to kill me after all. My superior clinical judgement was reinforced when she spoke.

"I'm so sorry. I was just here as a guest for the show on Tourette's."

And now, for your further amusement, one of the shows I did (in which I was not only asked about QUEEN OF THE ROAD - nudist RV park, armed robbery and all - but another weird book tour experience, this one involving killer crickets. Go figure):

Comments (5)

I think she was just covering for the fact that she's a psycho killer.

Your clips were awesome!!!! You look so calm and composed! I look like a spastic cupie doll with a scary laugh when I'm interviewed!!!!


Yup, hair and makeup look mahvelous!

Thanks, Robin and Bette!

For me, the cupie doll look comes after the show. I remember very clearly after the Phoenix clip, going around to bookstores to sign stock without checking my makeup - until I went to the bathroom. I looked like What Ever Happened to Baby Jane. I learned the makeup they put on you for TV does NOT translate well into real life. I'm sure the bookstore folks thought QUEEN OF THE ROAD was about something else, entirely.


Great clips! Now I know how to pronounce your last name! Always thought it was a long i! Learn something new everyday!
BTW, did you ever get tired of answering the same questions over and over?
What was your favorite question? least favorite?

I'll answer to anything, Kristy. (Everyone pronounces my name with a long "i". My father made up the name after he immigrated, so who's to say it shouldn't be pronounced with a long "i" anyway?)

Great questions! Yes, I got VERY tired answering the same questions all the time, but in a way, having the same questions asked was a saving grace, because you get so damn sleep deprived on book tour. I could just turn on, turn off, not break a sweat (and also not really remember a thing.)

Fave question was the nudist RV park, just b/c I'm a whore and figured that would sell books. Least fave... there really wasn't. You learn to answer questions with what you want to say, regardless of the question being asked. Comes in handy in a marriage!

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This page contains a single entry from the blog posted on September 24, 2010 12:29 PM.

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